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Poor Parrot
 
A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk. She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk.”
“Did you buy a mirror?"
"No"
"Every parrot needs a mirror."  So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned. "The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a ladder?"
"No"
"Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned. "The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a swing?"
"No"
"Every parrot needs a swing." So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage.  A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!  The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"
"No! he died."
"Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"
"Yes."
"What?"
"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"

 
 
 
A Very Insulting Parrot
 

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

 
 
Q: What did the 500 pound Budgie say ?

A: "Here kitty kitty.. !!!"

 
 
Budgie Instincts
 
A mother budgie, a daddy budgie and their baby were getting ready to migrate.
The mother budgie said, "My instincts tell me to go north."

The daddy budgie said, "My instincts tell me to go south."
The baby budgie said,” My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me where to go!"
 
 

Blue Budgie

 
A man went into a pet shop and asked for a blue budgerigar, the pet shop owner said I am sorry but we only have green ones. “I want a blue one” the customer keeps on insisting. So to get him out of the shop the owner packs up a green budgie, and tells him it's blue. On unpacking the bird at home the customer discovers that his blue budgie is green, and goes back to the shop for an exchange. At the shop the owner tells him once again that he only has green budgies. Never mind says the man I'll paint it. ...You can't do that it will kill it! Said the pet shop owner. Next day the customer comes back complaining that his budgie is dead. I told you the paint would kill it says the pet shop owner. To which the customer replies... It wasn’t the paint that killed it but the glow lamp!!!
 
 

Daughter: Mum, can I have a budgie for Christmas?

Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else!
 
 

The Plumber

 
Karen was expecting the plumber. He was supposed to arrive at ten o'clock.       Ten o'clock came and went - no plumber. Eleven o'clock twelve o'clock, and one o'clock sailed past, still with no plumber. She decided he wasn't coming, and went out to do some chores. Naturally no sooner had she left than the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door and, from the lounge, Kath's parrot called, "Who is it?"
 

Presuming the parrot to be the lady of the house he called back, "It's the plumber," and waited for her to come and let him in. When no one opened the door, he knocked again. Again the parrot called, "Who is it?" Frustrated, he yelled, "It's the plumber!" He waited some more, and again no one came to the door. He knocked again, long and hard. 
 

Again the parrot called, "Who is it?" and he shouted, "IT'S THE PLUMBER!" Once again he waited, and again she didn't come. Furious at the way she was taking the piss, he hammered on the door again and again. The parrot, who was having a great time, called, Who is it?" innocently. It was too much for the plumber, who went berserk. With a loud scream he took a wrench to the lock, hammered it to bits and broke the door down. The excitement proved too much for the poor bloke, though, and he had a massive heart attack, dropping dead in the hall. When Kath got back an hour later she found the door ripped open and a corpse lying in the doorway.
 

"Fuck!" she shrieked, "WHO IS IT?"

Gleefully, the parrot howled "IT'S THE PLUMBER!"

 
 
The Repairman
 
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside; he won't bother you. I also have a large parrot, but whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE BIRD!"

Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the damned parrot cussed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, SIC'EM!!!"

 
 
Q: What does a 400 pound parrot say?
A: Polly wants a cracker, NOW !!!!!!!!
 
 
Favourite Pets
 
A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the bodies of her pet budgies. She explains that they were her favourite pets and she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist.

"Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."

 
 
 Never talk to the parrot
 
Mrs. Pedersen phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

 
 
Q: When is the best time to buy budgies ?
A: When they're going cheap !
 
 
Parrot Auction
 
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he was caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept being outbid, so he bid higher and higher. Finally, after he bid much more than he intended, he won the bid, the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much money, to only find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." Said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

 
 
Talking Parrot
 
A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.

"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned & said there still had been no talking.

"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

"Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answere the bird's owner.

"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What!!! You want me to buy another bird!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"

 
 
Q: Which side of a Budgie has the most feathers?
A: The outside
 
 
 The Burglar
 
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses" the Parrot replied.

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "I don't know;

"I guess the same folks who would name the Rottweiler standing behind you 'Jesus'".

 
 

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?

A: If they dropped them, they'd break
 
 
Our Daily Chicken
 
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour. The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'.

If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

 
 
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
 
 
The Mouthy Parrot
 
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor.

I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible verbal commotion. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet....

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 
 
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.
 
 
Titanic, the Illusionist, and the Parrot!
 
The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, had just set sail from the shores of England.

It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody was very excited. No expense had been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works.

Even the world's greatest illusionist magician, was on board.

Every night, the great magician would perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjure the passengers had ever seen. On the first night of the voyage, everyone was eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem.

There was this parrot, sitting in his gilded cage near the stage, from where he would ruin each trick as the magician performed them.

Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squawk! It's up his sleeve!" or "Squeak! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician.

Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder.

The same thing happened the next night, and the one after that. The magician would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous illusion show. He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this annoying parrot.

The fourth night, the magician was about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage. The lights were dimmed, a hushed silence swept across the glittering room, a drum roll built up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performed his final piece de resistance.... when suddenly the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank... (you know the story).

For two whole days, the magician managed to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage, starving, thirsty, delirious. Then he noticed at the other end of the door, the parrot, sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. The magician thought to himself, "at least he's not squawking now." For two more days the magician just glowered at him, not saying a word - bitter, hushed, resentful, silent.

Then at the end of the fourth day, the parrot couldn't contain himself any longer, eyed off the magician, and squawked loudly,

"Alright! I give up! What HAVE you done with the ship?!"

 
 
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing budgies?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable
 
 
Seasonal Chuckles
 
A man walked into a pet store and saw a parrot advertised as a singer and a talker. He asked the store owner what songs the bird could sing. The owner told him to light a match under the birds right foot. When he did so the bird belted out "Dashing through the snow". He then asked what else the bird could sing and was told to place a match under the birds left foot. The bird then belted out "Jingle Bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way". Then he asked the store owner what happens if you place the match between the birds feet. The owner said, "I do not know I have not tried that yet". He did this and the bird belted out "Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire".
 
 
The Vet
 
A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion." The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too." The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet said, "That will be $600.00." The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!" The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."
 

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